somewhere over the rainbow
by fleeting heartbeat
Summary: i would wait eternities for us to meet again. —natsu&lisanna


**notes1** stages of grief _— _denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

**notes2** i realised that i should try natsu angsting over lisanna for a change

**inspiration** stages of grief by Kairaita

**disclaimer** applies (when does it ever not on ffn)

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_if i had one wish, i'd wish you back_

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"Lisanna's dead."

He didn't know what to think, how he was supposed to react when the news of her death reached his ears. The world seemed to stop, the ripples of murmurs fading away as reality slapped him in the face and he opened his eyes.

_They're kidding. They're trying to pull a prank on me._

"Come on, don't joke with me about this."

"Natsu, this is serious," Macao shook his head solemnly, as if he was talking to a little child.

"Mirajane and Elfman, they were…" Wakaba started before stopping himself and looking away, putting down his cigarette.

He smiled and looked to his rival with challenging eyes. "This is some elaborate prank, isn't it, squinty-eyes? Well—"

"_Natsu_," Macao warned sternly.

_Come on. Tell me this isn't really happening. Tell me that you're going to fight me, that this is just a trick to make me let my guard down, to—_

Taking a step forward, he charged his right fist with his burning hot flames and began to speak but someone gripped his wrist firmly, commanding in an authoritative voice, "Natsu. Stop it."

Even as he looked at his rival — downcast eyes and reluctance to fight him — he still didn't believe, and even as he turned to look at Erza — _Erza_, who seemed stronger than anyone else — trembling in her armour with her head lowered, he couldn't accept it.

He _wouldn't_ accept it.

"Lisanna's not dead."

"Natsu, what makes you think this is some kind of sick joke?" Cana demanded in irritation, slamming the table violently as she stood up abruptly. "For goodness sake!" Tears glistened in the corners of her eyes as he took note of the fact that there was no beer at the table — something she had grown to love recently.

_No._

Feeling Erza's grip slacken, he shook himself out of her grasp and dashed out of the guild hall as fast as he could, ignoring all the shouts and hollers for him to come back.

As he approached their old house and saw no one there, his heart plummeted but he grinned and yelled, "Lisanna! Where're you hiding? I'm coming to find you!"

There was no response, only the still silence of the surrounding forest.

"Come on…answer me."

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_no, this isn't real_

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_tell me i'm dreaming_

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"Mirajane. Elfman," Erza greeted quietly, hopping off the bench as the two white-haired mages entered the guild hall.

His eyes darted towards the two of them, and their grief-stricken appearance simply left him speechless. Mirajane, usually so rowdy and arrogant was now reduced to a soft-spoken sniffling little girl who needed her rival's comfort. And Elfman…

Words couldn't even describe how guilty he looked.

_It was so obvious that he blamed himself for everything._

Suddenly, the ground erupted and he stormed forward, feeling his whole body heat up and in the background he vaguely heard voices calling out to him, but he was deaf to it all.

Lisanna was supposed to be smiling, teasing him for acting all tough and saying that he wouldn't be able to get a girlfriend. Lisanna was supposed to be embarrassing him by calling him the father and addressing Happy, him and herself as a family. Lisanna was supposed to be trying to break up Mirajane and Erza's fighting with Elfman.

But there were no smiles. There was no teasing. There were no flushed faces of embarrassment. There was no family, because it had been broken. There was no fighting.

There was no Lisanna.

_Didn't you promise?_

_Why didn't they protect you?_

_You were supposed to be safe!_

It wasn't until Makarov wrapped his Titan-enhanced fist around his body and extinguished the flames that he realised what he had been about to do. Eyes widening in horror, he released the collar of Elfman's shirt immediately and stuttered an apology, looking away in shame.

"A-am I a monster now?" he whispered tearfully.

"No."

"But I wanted to kill Elfman."

"That was out of blind rage."

"…I'm a monster."

"You are not a monster, Natsu," Makarov insisted, glaring at the salmon-haired mage. "You were simply furious. That moment has passed, dwell on it no more."

Makarov was right. He was angry.

He was angry at Mirajane for not protecting Lisanna better. He was angry at Elfman for killing Lisanna. He was angry at Lisanna for dying on him.

But he was most angry at himself for not being there for her, for not coming on that mission, for _letting her die._

Mirajane had done all she could. Elfman was out of control and didn't know what he was doing. There was nothing more the both of them could've done. Lisanna was just trying to help. She deserved _better_, unlike him — the one who had done nothing.

_The one who could've done something, the one who could've made a difference._

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_who's really to blame?_

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"If I wish hard enough, Lisanna will come back, right?" he asked out loud, gripping the fishing rod a little tighter. "Lisanna always said that I was a bad father to you, arguing with you constantly...she always scolded me for that." He chuckled humourlessly. "I promise to be a better father. Did you realise that most of our arguments were over fish?" he asked out of the blue, startling Happy a little.

"Aye, sir," Happy responded after a few seconds, looking at Natsu out of the corner of his eyes for a moment before focusing on the lake again.

"I promise to catch you more fish to eat. That way, we'll never starve to death. We'll always have good food to eat. And it doesn't matter if we keep messing up on missions."

_Actually, she wouldn't be happy at all if we messed up, right?_

"I'll be more serious when we're doing a mission," he said, trying to keep his tone light. "I'll do my best not to screw up and lose the reward. I'll stop giving Gramps lots of headaches. I'll protect you and the mother. I promise to protect my family."

Happy nodded briefly, saddened eyes never leaving the reflection in the lake as something tugged at the line. There was no hopefulness sparkling in his large black eyes as Natsu reeled it up and beamed brightly.

"Look, Happy! I caught another one! Lisanna will come back now!"

"A-aye," Happy replied hesitantly, eyes flickering to his standing partner warily.

He fell back onto the grass, his smile falling as he fingered the rod carefully.

"L-Lisanna can hear us, y'know. I-I'm sure she's out there listening to us."

He could see her face above them, watching over them — the wind picking up the ends of her short white hair, her bright and cheerful smile lighting up the sky brighter than fireworks would have, her tinkly laugh reverberating in the air.

She had been a mother to Happy. Of course he was worried. How had Happy taken it?

Thinking about Happy seemed to take his mind off his own grief, but it didn't stop the memories from rushing back to him and the cold truth from raining down on him like hailstones.

_Happy must be devastated. I have to help him._

"Come on. If we try our best, she'll come back."

Happy didn't even respond this time.

"I-I'll stop picking fights with Gray and Erza. I'll help you break up Erza and Mira's fights. I'll be a better father to Happy. I'll stop wrecking the guild hall."

He didn't really know who he was talking to anymore, but he felt that he _needed_ to talk and went on, feeling just the _tiniest_ hint of satisfaction from voicing out his thoughts, not minding at all that Happy wasn't really listening and there wasn't actually someone to talk to, but—

"Tell me. What do I have to do to bring Lisanna back?"

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_but who would help me?_

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He hadn't talked for days, and it was worrying everybody. Gray had been careful not to pick fights with him after repeated warnings from Erza and attempted to talk to Natsu a few times, but he never responded. All he did was nod or shake his head, nothing more.

It wasn't that the guild disliked the peace, though it really just wasn't Fairy Tail to be so quiet. They were in mourning, after all, but they had expected Natsu to be a little brighter, to be the one to try and cheer everyone up.

Then again, he and Lisanna had been terribly close.

"Natsu, open up. It's me."

The world didn't seem to exist anymore. Everyday, someone would come up to his doorstep and knock on the door, demanding to be granted access into his house. There would come threats of destroying his house, but they never were serious.

_Just leave me alone._

_ …__I need some time to think._

He seldom turned up at the guild after a while and mostly stayed home thinking about what could've been.

_If only I'd been there, this wouldn't have happened._

_It wasn't fair. She didn't deserve to die._

_She can't be dead._

_Why didn't I follow them that day?_

_Tell me what I have to do to make her come back to me._

_Why did this have to happen?_

"Natsu."

_"__We all loved her very much."_

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_a thousand 'what-if's_

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_(maybe if i'd been there for her)_

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A few days later, he returned back to the guild, all sunshine smiles on his face. Everyone slowly got over Lisanna's death, and the guild was soon back to its old, bustling self.

Perhaps, he had finally accepted it.

But he would never forget the regrets that he had left behind, all the things he'd wished he had done while she was still alive.

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_i can always move on and pretend_

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_but the scars always stay on_

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_i can't believe that i'll never see you again_

_i haven't told you anything yet_

_i haven't told you anything yet_

_—sakura nagashi by utada hikaru_


End file.
